JON CARROLL

That would be a yet extended convincing dialogue for banning steroids provided community regulated all drugs according to the identical criteria. On the other hand no: When players slam championships, they knock back booze in prodigious amounts, thereby endangering divers of their internal organs plus impairing their higher brain skills, primary them to gratify into fights in the parking lots of strip clubs at 4 in the morning.

Here's one object today's callow individuals can apprentice from baseball players: Stay absent of strip-club parking lots. Danger lurks there. Rather, hold the strippers come to your hotel. This has been a memo from Considerable Group Baseball.

I envision most of the general public going on approximately "cheating" are disillusioned middle-aged guys who get persuaded that their childlike innocence was ruined the front eternity Roger Clemens took an injection in the buttocks. They appetite their puberty back. Well, me, too, however I gamble it's not going to happen.

Unless I, you know, proceeds some copacetic steroids. The Mitchell announcement is a series of allegations. Donald Fehr, the purpose of the players union, is concerned that reputations are duration unfairly tarnished. Bud Selig, the commissioner of baseball, is shocked, shocked by the Mitchell report, and he plans to effect Something. And you timer out, being it's going to be one massive Something.

The television talking heads, multiplied of whom are ex-players or attained prominence by buddying up with players, are saying that we should aloof lay it all last us. It happened, on the contrary it's bit to shift on," said Peter Gammons, ESPN's grey eminence. Gosh, you consider he could add that about all the community in jail for possession of marijuana? That would be a extreme immigration policy, too. We decent disclose to the unlawful immigrants: "It happened, nevertheless it's chronology to action on."

Because, consequences? So model generation consuming. Perversely enough, the gangling folder of names in the Mitchell report did accent that it takes deeper than drugs to fabricate a worthy baseball player. Neither Todd Hundley, Todd Pratt, Ricky Stone, Derrick Turnbow, Josias Manzanillo nor Exavier "Nook" Logan broke Skein Aaron's internal record, analogous Barry Bonds, nor did they achievement the Cy Boylike Award seven times, liking Roger Clemens.

Meanwhile, there's the elephant in the living period - human expansion hormone, which is not currently detectable by any urine test. Testament players even return HGH much after the Mitchell report and the mediawide tut-tutting? Of plan they will. It's a business, not a choirboy competition. Would you commit a victimless crime whether you deliberation it would avow you to ease your family for life? See, there's that. One tablet makes you larger and one lozenge makes you all the more larger than the inceptive pill, plus: money, girls and fun.

So, you hankering the pill? Your shower shoes keep fungus on them. You'll never construct it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Estimate classy, you'll be classy. If you gain 20 in the show, you can let the fungus burgeon back and the press'll fancy you're colorful. Until you score 20 in the show, however, it wealth you are jcarroll sfchronicle.com. S.F.